This will be my final blog at this address. I've already begun moving old stuff over and soon, I will delete all of this. Although, I would like to look back at the beginning days of this.
Please enjoy this music while reading this:
I'm deleting it because recently, Oscar, previously known as "Mr. Bigg," decided to post a facebook rant about my [in]fidelity in our relationship. Well, here I am to clear the air.
I met Oscar online, on okstupid. He was cute, nice, and we got along. We didn't have much in common, which I began to see over time. He wasn't really into music, which is my life. Art didn't interest him, and its a prevalent part of my life. He didn't read much, and I read voraciously. He would play some video games, which don't do anything for me. And movies? We watched what he wanted to watch. I did bring over movies a coworker let me borrow, and we made it through 3/4 of one before I fell asleep. Our sex life was so predictable it wasn't even funny, and he wasn't open to adding any kind of spice to it, I would drop hints nonchalantly. And I loathed his room mate. His best friend was flakier than the best croissant out there, puts phyllo dough to shame. But, regardless of all that, he was sweet, and I did like him. I got drunk one night and told him I loved him, which, at the time, I did. Mid-March is when things started to go downhill. I realized that he did drink more than I am comfortable with. And when I got my current job, he started spending an uncomfortable amount of time drinking with said flakey best friend. And that is when the lies started. If he hung out with her, chances are, I would get lied to. And that actually started proving itself, even though after the first lie, I told him (again) how that is a huge deal to me, given my ex and his inability to tell the truth about the weather while standing in the rain. Things just spiraled out of control after that. The lies didn't stop, the drinking didn't slow, and being brand new at a fast paced job, I just stopped caring too much.
I bonded with someone at work. A big, goofy bald guy, who I saw as nothing more than a friend. We grew very close, very quickly. He really understood me on a different level, and I was able to talk to him about my issues with Oscar, while he was able to vent out his issues with his ex-girlfriend, Megan. I told Oscar about the newest member in my best friend club. I told him when Robert and I would find some misadventure at work, or when he showed me how the crematory stuff works. I told him about funny things he would text me, or if we went to lunch somewhere good, I would tell Oscar all about it. But things with Oscar were already broken enough. In getting close to Robert as a friend, I found myself with a crush. Also, something I told Oscar about. Yes, I had a crush on my work husband, no, I honestly didn't see it going anywhere. Robert and I started hanging out outside of work when he went on medical leave the first time, this is also something I was open about. (Hopefully we're seeing a trend here, I'm open and honest about everything going on, and he lies about being intoxicated at a bar with a woman. Something I didn't do while we were together.) One night, at the end of April, when things between Oscar and I had gotten really rocky, Robert was there. He made me dinner, we talked about what I should do. He told me that night that my relationship was over because I told him that,"I give up, he doesn't want to work things out to make it better, and I'm tired of trying." A few hours later, I admitted to Robert that I liked him. Childish and all, I said,"I like you." He responded with,"I like you too." He kissed me for a moment too long, no lustful groping, not even a tongue slip. I stopped him. I said I'm still technically in a relationship, even though its over and has been for some time. He understood, and actually apologized for doing it. I told him not to be sorry. I broke up with Oscar the very next day. Less than 18 hours later. It broke my heart too. I had a crush, but I loved Oscar. Hindsight is 20/20, but I did truly love him. I saw him as someone I could build a life with.
I don't believe myself to be a cheater. Actually, I can relate it to your best friend, Christina. Remember how you told me she broke up with her long term, live in girlfriend on Christmas? Only to be in a committed relationship a few weeks later? When I met her in February, they were engaged. Clearly, she and Rubin had been talking long before she left her ex girlfriend. So does that make her a cheater too? Yes. Robert kissed me. I haven't lied about that. Yes, we spent a lot of time together, I also didn't lie about that. I was honest, completely. I answered questions honestly, and I wanted to work things out with you. But to call me out as a cheater in front of my family, something which I did NOT do, was wrong. I didn't call you out on any of your secrets in front of your family. How would your mother feel if she knew my side? How would she feel if she knew you smoked weed everyday, since she doesn't even know you smoke cigarettes. How would she feel if she knew you had issues with alcohol? Or perhaps even issues being honest and truthful with the woman you claimed to love as much as you claimed you loved me? You let your friends roast me alive. You also said I accused you of being unfaithful. When? I only claimed you spent a lot of time at bars with another woman. Not that anything was happening between you. Again, I may not know Christina well, but I truly doubt anything would go down there.
I took this job, in part, because of Oscar. I was ashamed to be a server while he was a teacher, and so were his friends. He didn't have any loser friends like me and mine. I realize now that my friends are amazing, and whether or not I'm a server or the damn president, neither am I. It is my dream job. What I've always wanted to do, and despite a lot, I'm still completely fulfilled and happy to be there. I work with the man I love, and my new-found best friend, who you have also met, Purdy, also a former loser. Maybe I took this job to be better when introduced to his people, but maybe there was more in the plan. Maybe the powers that be lead me to it so I would meet Robert. Maybe its no one's fault that we met. No one's fault that this happened. Maybe you lead me to greater things. I'm sorry that you got hurt in the process, but at the same time, you hurt me too. Claiming infidelity wasn't right, I had a crush, but didn't act on it until we were over. I never slept with him until after we broke up. He didn't touch me again after that first kiss. He was afraid of crossing a boundary, like he already had. We talked about it. I told him that it wasn't right, and he agreed.
I sent you a text, which you ignored, which confirmed my confusion that your status was about me. I feel I worded it tactfully and appropriately. I'm not upset you didn't respond. I was relieved. But the fact that you called me out with yet ANOTHER lie in front of my family?! Pathetic. Have an adult conversation. You say you tore yourself up for three months? I don't buy it. Most of the conversations between us post break up were my doing. I would text you randomly to find out how you were doing. And yes, with Rob being in the hospital, I sort of got sucked in. I was busy working three people's schedules, trying to maintain friendships, relationships with family, and being the best girlfriend I could be to a man that showed me what it's like to be truly loved. I don't think you ever loved me Oscar, or you would've paid attention in the beginning when I stated that I have two deal breakers: cocaine use and lying. While you didn't dance with the white lady (that I know of), you did lie to me several times, and right to my face, looked me in the eyes and lied to me, while saying you loved me. At least I told you I had a crush, at least I told you we were hanging out. No, I didn't tell you he kissed me. You never asked. If I didn't ask you things directly, and multiple times, I wouldn't get the truth. So you didn't like it when it was pulled on you. At least I didn't drag you through the mud while I did things I knew you didn't like. I made a new friend. A new best friend. Who became my whole world. Who, when I told him about your accusation, asked if he would like for him to talk to you.
Robert and I continued to see one another, as friends, coffee at Denny's or Steak'n Shake, but he didn't kiss me again for weeks. I was torn about this. A part of me wondered if he thought he made a mistake and wasn't actually interested in me. The other part was glad because it gave me time to really think about the Oscar stuff. It allowed me to think through everything, and wonder if there was a chance of us working it out. I was very torn between the two of them. Oscar being a good man, and Robert being the definition of everything I've ever wanted. Almost a month after I broke up with Oscar, Robert asked me out on our first official date. It was that night that won me over. It was in that 11 hour stretch of time that my best friend, the man of my dreams, became the man I wanted to be with. He pulled out all the stops. Greeted me with a dozen red roses, all dressed up, we went for the most amazing food I've ever eaten, and he made the reservations so that we could watch the fireworks show over the lake and castle. We walked around the Grand Floridian arm-in-arm. We walked out on the pier, where he put his arms around me from behind, kissed me behind the ear, and told me I'm beautiful. Then he got to scratch something off his bucket list. Being the goofy goober that he is, he asked me to step off the pier so he could "peer at a peer from a pier." We perused the gift shops, and I lost a bet, resulting in my new favorite coffee cup. We had coffee and watched a drunk John Morgan make an ass of himself. We made out in the rain. It was a beautiful evening. One of many to follow.
Since that night, we have had some amazing laughs, good cries, great hugs, and peaceful sleep together. Since that time, we have watched each other be broken down by everything. He watched me start to not love my job. I saw his health destroy him. He watched as I fell apart over him. I ignored him when he said,"I love you." In just a few days, it will mark how long we've been on the rocks. Its not because we don't love each other, because its obvious that we do, its because of his depression, and everything going on in his life. He was in the hospital for two weeks, it destroyed him. Multiple surgeries stole bones out of his foot. He's still relearning how to walk. Not working for three months drained him financially. His ex wife has chosen now to be the most opportune time to attempt to gain full custody of their daughter. His insurance is dropping him since he hasn't been working. He has no money to pay for his medications. And no one can loan him money since all the incomes in the house are being watched because of this custodial battle. His mother's health is near critical, and his sister isn't doing well either. So all of this combined lead to him being severely depressed, to the point he shut everyone out. He would talk to me minimally and sporadically. He wasn't really talking to anyone at work. A random text once in awhile, but nothing more than that. We haven't had sex in ages. We stopped seeing each other.
A month ago, we ambushed one another at work. I didn't know he was coming in, he didn't know I had picked up a shift. We talked for two and a half hours. We both cried, but we both felt better. He smiled. The first smile I had seen on his face in months. Steve and I had a house call, so I had to go in to change. Robert hobbled down there, disguised by wanting a bottle of water. I put on my uniform, and he walked me to the van. Steve got in, and Robert went to the passenger side. He hugged me furiously. Cried, said he missed me, said he was sorry. Kissed me on the forehead. I didn't want to go, I didn't want to let go. I hugged him again, and he kissed me on the mouth. We kissed for several minutes. I was elated. I was ecstatic. The man I had fallen in love with still loved me. I couldn't have been happier. We started talking again. He messaged me not long after we left saying I truly made him feel better. The next week, on a Tuesday, he came to work. He sent me a text asking where I was. We talked for awhile after work, and finally said our good byes two hours later. I got a one armed hug and a kiss on the forehead. I was a little put out by this. Six days prior, he was all over me, not wanting to let me out of his arms. And six days later, he I get hardly anything. I was out with friends later that night, and he came up in conversation. I sent him a text saying I missed him, and I wondered if I would ever get enough of him to not miss him. No response. I sent another a few hours after that asking him not to shut down on me again, that I couldn't do it again. I wasn't strong enough. He responded the next day, telling me of new developments with his family. He ignored me though. I understood that his focus was on his family, keeping them alive and together. He shut me out for days. I finally called him on a Sunday. We talked for three hours. I almost cried a few times, and he would beg me not to. He said he was just too focused on his family to focus on a relationship. But he did care, it wasn't about a lack of caring.
He returned to work. We hadn't spoken in five days. Five long, excruciating days. He tried to make small talk, but I couldn't respond. Every time I tried, my throat would get tight and I would nearly cry. He avoided me the rest of the day. The next day was the same. I got a good morning and didn't see him again. So I finally found my balls of steel and marched into the crematory, kicked Victoria out, and said we need to talk. I made him end it. I made him say it. I told him he had to because I promised I wouldn't. I promised him in the hospital that I would never give up on him, that I would always be here for him. And he said? "Fine. I'll say it." -Silence- He gave me that look, and I said,"Well?" And he got very flustered. I just stared at him until he said,"Fine. We're over." My heart shattered. I asked if he said it because I wanted him to or if he wanted to. He said both. I asked him to elaborate. He said I've been asking him to say it, so he did. And he also did it because right now, he doesn't have the ability to truly focus on everything going on, and being a good father, while trying to maintain a relationship. He said he's never stopped caring. I cried all afternoon. I told him I wish I could at least see a little bit of emotion, and he said that he couldn't show it. He had to keep it together. Since then, we've talked everyday. Monday, I was waiting for Travis to get back, and fell asleep at the picnic table. He joined me. We laughed and talked for an hour. The way we used to, with the shy glances every once in awhile. I can still see it in his eyes.
I also told him the day we broke up that he shouldn't use the phrase "right now." I told him that I felt like that left it open for the future. I told him that saying "right now" gave me hope that someday, we'll work this out and be together again. I told him to please not say that and give me false hope. He's used it repeatedly since then, even after I told him all of that. He said he didn't know how long everything would take. It may be weeks, it may be months. But right now, I have my best friend back. And maybe, the day he broke down crying on me, when he said he had to start over with everyone, including me, maybe this is it. We're best friends again. Maybe we'll get back to where we were. I do love him, and I've told him that. I told him that while we're not together intimately, my promise still stands. He may not be able to give me the things I've always wanted, but for him, it seems like something so little to give up. I would give up just about anything for him. In our four months together, I found a man who is the most loving, the sweetest, most handsome, and most amazing human being in the universe. He always showed me he cared, even from a hospital bed. Everyone thinks I'm crazy. That I should walk away and find someone with fewer issues, but I can't. He's my one. He's the person I'm meant to be with. Its like he said when we were talking about knowing what we know now at 18. He said everything would change, and he would've wanted me at 18 (and then he checked that age difference and cringed.) But I wish I had met him a long time ago. I wish I had met him when I was 18. I would be ten years into something beautiful.
I just love that I can still see his feelings. That I can still see him. I just have to be patient. If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, it was never your's to begin with. I'm really counting my blessings and wishing on stars at this point. I do want to work this out, and I only want to be with him.
